People often ask who loves more in a relationship—the man or the woman—but this seemingly harmless question stems from a misunderstanding of how love actually works because love is not something that can be weighed or measured like flour on a scale. It is a complex, deeply emotional connection that each person feels, expresses, and understands in their own way, and instead of trying to decide who is “more in love,” couples would benefit far more from focusing on how love is experienced and communicated.
Love is not a math equation but an emotion, and like all emotions, it varies from one person to another. Some people show love through affection and tender words, while others demonstrate it through acts of service, loyalty, or simply being there when it matters most. Just because one partner is more outwardly expressive does not mean they love more—it may simply reflect a different communication style. Often, people mistake quietness or subtlety for emotional distance, when in reality the person may just be more reserved or deliberate in how they show affection, and comparing gestures can create hurt feelings even when both partners are equally committed. Psychologists suggest that instead of asking who loves more, it is more useful to understand how people bond emotionally, which is where attachment theory comes in.
Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, this theory outlines four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Securely attached individuals are comfortable with emotional openness and trust, anxious types crave reassurance and fear abandonment, avoidant individuals struggle with closeness, and disorganized types have a mix of both anxiety and avoidance, often due to past trauma. These styles reveal differences in how love is expressed, not how much love is felt, meaning two people might love equally but show it in very different ways. Love also has a biological side, with the brain releasing chemicals like dopamine, which creates feelings of pleasure and reward; oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone” that fosters trust and intimacy; and vasopressin, which supports long-term attachment.
These hormones may cause feelings of excitement, safety, or even obsession early in a relationship, but their presence does not prove one person loves more than the other—it simply reflects the body’s natural chemistry. Dr. Gary Chapman’s concept of the Five Love Languages—words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch—also explains why partners may misinterpret each other’s affection. If each person “speaks” a different love language, it can feel like love is missing when it’s actually being expressed in a form the other person doesn’t recognize, so learning and using your partner’s love language can bridge emotional gaps and reduce unnecessary comparisons.
Measuring love can be harmful because turning it into a scoreboard—counting who gives more hugs, sends more texts, or plans more date nights—undermines intimacy and shifts the focus from connection to competition. Healthy relationships are based on mutual trust, support, and emotional safety, so the better question is whether both partners feel understood, respected, and valued. It’s also important to remember that emotions fluctuate, and no one feels intense love every moment of every day. Life’s demands—work stress, health issues, family obligations—can cause temporary emotional withdrawal, but that does not mean love has faded
Strong couples understand that love naturally ebbs and flows, and they ride those waves together. Unfortunately, myths persist, such as the belief that one person always loves more, that showing emotion is a weakness, or that equal love must look identical. In reality, love is too complex to fit these ideas, vulnerability is a sign of strength, and equality in love means mutual understanding and consistent effort, not mirrored actions. Building a strong, lasting relationship requires focusing on deepening love rather than comparing it, which involves understanding each other’s attachment styles, improving emotional intelligence, communicating openly and often, respecting each other’s preferred ways of receiving love, and encouraging one another’s personal growth. Therapy can also help partners navigate recurring misunderstandings.
Cultural influences matter too—some cultures value loyalty and quiet sacrifice as the highest expressions of love, while others prize verbal affirmations and public displays of affection, and understanding each other’s cultural background can prevent misinterpretations and strengthen empathy. Letting go of the question of “who loves more” gives the relationship room to breathe and allows both partners to focus on more meaningful questions like: Are we present for each other? Do we grow together? Are we connected even in silence? Love is not a competition but a partnership built on mutual effort, shared joy, and compassionate understanding. It is not something you can count or measure—it is a living experience that evolves with time. The strongest couples are not those constantly proving their love with grand gestures, but those who consistently show up, remain present, and choose each other day after day. When you stop keeping score and focus instead on nurturing emotional connection, love becomes more resilient, more fulfilling, and infinitely more rewarding.
